June 21, 2012, ???, JotD, AAD 21
Rise at 6:15, feet on the floor. Sitting, shower and derailed on my way out the door. Into work and chasing down requirements for something due at the end of the month. Today's challenge: meeting an arbitrary deadline with no details as to what we need to do.
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So, I was derailed on the way out the door this morning. I reacted to something in a way I'm not particularly happy about. Implicit demands were being made of my attention, energy needing to be directed, appropriate sympathetic responses to other's work situation to be made - this despite clearly moving towards the door and my day. I couldn't break away from the need to leave for work, and I had a difficult time being engaged with what was being sent my way. So the end result was a terseness and sarcasm that may have been unwarranted, and comments that while not nasty, were not the sympathetic statements desired (or that I sensed were desired).
I can sense that this will govern the cycle of my day, if I let it. There is a part of me that senses I'm justified in being a bit angry about this. In fact, there is a part of me ranting about the unfairness of having other people's issues landed on me before I've even had a chance to get fully established in my day. Another part of me (the observer, and probably the part writing this), wonders if I was simply caught off guard, and the lizard-brain is responding. Am I reacting or responding? Is this a pure defense reaction, without control or reason, or is this a conscious response, protecting myself from a drain on my psyche.
Here are the fundamental problems: how do I know which is happening (the response or the reaction), and the rightness of either; how to address this with the person who needed something I wasn't able to give at the time; how to better equip myself to handle this in the future.
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Some commiserating at work about the derailment. I know this is universal, especially in long-term relationships. I know I am often doing the derailing, so I have a sense of the source. What bothers me is my own handling of things. In some sense, the "ideal" I have been taught is that of selflessnes and giving; the elevation of other's needs over my own. At what point do my own needs take precedence - to the point of anger?
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Somewhat back on track later in the day. I keep coming back to my feet on the floor, and what my intention is for the next meeting, hour, e-mail, whatever. Very instructive, as this helps dissipate.
Home to dinner, practice, gaming, a brief talk and bed.
